Card reading for 5/28/19. Do you trust happiness? Does contentment (10 of Pentacles) scare you? I admit this is a deeply rooted issue within me, stemming from a childhood of constantly moving around. As soon as I started to feel happy and settled somewhere....Bam! It was time to move. This went on til my early 20s. No roots for me. No deep connections, though, I wanted them so badly. I felt lonely most of my life and craved connection and inner peace more than anything actually. It's grown into issues of worthiness and guilt, as though, maybe I just don't deserve to be happy in this life? I handle crisis like a champ, but give me happiness and peace and my insides start churning. 'How's this going to be taken from me?' I wonder. I buzz around like a bee preparing for (what feels like) inevitable disaster and loss. I've been feeling that churning in my stomach and the buzzing about in my mind a LOT lately. Why? Because for the first time in a very long time, I'M HAPPY. And..well, I'm terrified. I knew from very early on, the way I grew up was not right. And I've known for the last several years it is my karma to heal these negative patterns within myself and balance (Justice) out my skewed beliefs in this lifetime. Lately, I've been so happy, (it even feels weird to say!) and I am fighting serious guilt because of it. I find my inner critic speaking up, telling me I'm goofing off too much or indulging too much, that I am not worthy of this happiness without hustle or hard work or deprivation of some kind. But the thing is, I've DONE a lot of hustle and hard work and deprivation! Regardless of that, I deserve to be happy! I am worthy of happiness because I AM. And I'm finding myself saying these words each day. And with each day comes a little more trust in it. With more trust, my spirit opens to new and infinite possibilities for my life (3 of Wands.) I share my personal read on these cards because I know many can relate when it comes to feelings of worthiness. YOU are WORTHY of a good and happy life. Your real work in this life is to break the negative patterns and beliefs that keep you from it. And you must do it every day. Like an exercise. The same way you learned it, you must unlearn it. And then do this til you start believing it. Then do it every day for the rest of your life. I am worthy of happiness. YOU are worthy of happiness. Say it with me.
Namaste 💜🙏💜 Read More
Card reading for 5/21/19. This has been a hell of a week, one that has me contemplating the idea of balance and fairness (Justice.) I've actually had one of the best weeks of my life, while others in my world have suffered the absolute worst possible. I have kept to myself (Hermit,) quietly feeling both extreme gratitude for my circumstances and simultaneously feeling guilt and pain for the circumstances of my loved ones. Why is it like this? Why the roller coaster? Why can't we just have happiness and peace while in this human existence? A naive idea to ponder maybe, but at 41 years old, rather than toughen up to life, it seems my empathic nature and sensitivity is only being heightened. Sure, I get the esoteric concept of 'no light without dark' blah blah... but is this just the bullshit we have to say to endure this life? Because frankly, I have had it with suffering. I am sick of unfairness. I'm really struggling with it this week and I admit, my faith is shaken once more. I don't know how to feel at peace right now with the good things that are happening for me knowing that my friends suffer, knowing that everything can be stripped away from me in an instant too. I can't do everything perfect or right, no one can, and so what? We pay the price with loss and suffering? (5 of Cups) It's interesting to me because as this strange mix of circumstances and feelings are swirling around me this week, I'm studying a new technique in my astrology course that has me wondering about concepts like fate and luck. Do some just luck out? I don't know, but it sure seems that way. I'd like to think we play a role in how our reality looks, but when tragedy strikes or when circumstances just keep piling up against our efforts, I can't help but think there is more to it. I don't normally pull a 4th card but for my own sake I needed to end this on a positive note, because well, that's me. The World. How ironic. The World is the ultimate.... the ending and the beginning. The World card today is a portal into a new World; Heaven perhaps for some, for others the inner eye opening to another facet of the reality of life. What's obvious to me now is that the new reality is not what we thought it would be, it never really is, and it's our work now to make peace with it. Again.
Namaste 💜 Read More