Vrksasana

Yoga: My Magical Antennae

 

So, I’m inspired to tell you why I practice yoga.  And oh man, there's so much. 

Like most people, I grew up with some instability and as you know, how we are raised leaves crazy little imprints on us the rest of our lives.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents so much and especially now that I am a parent, I understand the reason behind the things they did.  I understand that during certain times, you are just trying to keep everyone alive for another day. I get that.  But with that being said, instability in my early years has shaped me and left me with a number of fears and issues, such as loneliness and guilt.  I can’t deny that these issues have caused me to make choices that are out of alignment with my intuition.  I've always been the sensitive, middle child who feels the most happy when those around me are happy.  At least, that's what I think. That's what I grew up with, and that's what I know.  I don't want to exaggerate either, though, because I do also really enjoy being me and I know those same circumstances also shaped the things I love about myself, like my sense of humor and creativity. My imagination is out there and I can make up a pretty darn good time in my head. 

But, there’s a fine line for me when it comes to being creative and escaping.  My imagination IS my escape….and I escape a LOT.  If I’m really honest, I know it’s because I feel out of control of my life.  I'm extremely introverted and sensitive to energy.  Like I said, I think I feel happiest when I'm sure everyone else around me is happy.  When you are like this as a mother and wife, it's easy to become lost.  Parenthood is so hard.  Kids are actual people, you know, with minds, plans, and issues of their own!  Deep down, I know that no matter what I say or do, they’re going to do what they want!  It really scares the heck out of me because the mom is the one other people look to for the behavior of her children.  This stresses me out because the truth is, I have days when I really can’t handle my children.  I have no idea what to do.  They are beautiful and I love them to bits and pieces, but they do things I am unprepared for and it freaks me out. My marriage and adult relationships are hard for me, too. I’m extremely giving of my energy to the point of exhaustion one minute, but then I have to swing the other way and become extremely selfish, the next.  I’m also...... horribly disorganized and forgetful with matters of the “real world.” Technology hates me and I hate it back.  I’m super indecisive.  I’m really lazy.   I suck at being social.  I’m extremely insecure about my talents, my body, my hair, my ability to communicate, and the list goes on.  And to top it all off, I feel extremely guilty no matter what I do.

I’m not super excited to share these things.  I really do prefer to keep my nonsense on the down low.  But I’m telling you this because I know I am not alone in these matters.  And that brings me back to my point.  As a creative person/escape artist, I read a lot of and connect deeply with fairy tales.  I've always been fascinated by magic and mystical things and I won’t lie, I still, not so secretly, believe in magic.  I want magic to be real so badly and so I am always in search of proof.  For as long as I can remember, I've struggled with something about my life and looked for a magical fix.  I look at other people and it all seems so easy!  Not to me, though.  My life feels like swimming in chocolate pudding. Oh sure, I have moments where it feels super cool and fun, but then it gets kind of stupid.  It gets hard to do and I really want out.  I don’t see a way out though, the chocolate pudding never ends, and so I start escaping using the only way I know how, which is my imagination.  The truth is, I started reading about yoga as an escape!  I was hoping to find some magical life secret.  Yogis always seem to be so content, happy, and sincere and I really want that.  So off and on for a few years I tried, I practiced at home and in various studios, but honestly, I was really disappointed and kept giving up.  It just felt like exercise and it was hard and all I did was get sweaty, sore, yucky, and annoyed.  But I really loved reading about the history, the culture, and the mystical aspects of yoga and it's the lure of magic that kept me coming back.  I kept thinking, “maybe I just need to keep trying,” ….and so that’s what I did.  I just kept doing it. 

Then one day I had this moment in Savasana, the “corpse” pose taken at the end of practice (and almost everyone who loves yoga will tell you about "that one moment" when the magic hit for them.)  I just started to cry uncontrollably.  I was quiet about it. I didn’t want to disturb the class, but I could not stop crying.  It was like I wasn't there, but at the same time I was ALL there, no escaping.  It was so strange and such a relief.  I can only describe the feeling as that of a hug or a baby being swaddled up in a warm blanket.  I was just lying there alone on my mat, but for the first time in a LONG time, I did not FEEL alone.  I felt the presence of something and it was taking care of ME, the one struggling to take care of everyone else, at the time.  I didn't realize it until that moment, but I had been REALLY struggling.  I needed a hug so badly and yoga was giving me a hug!  I just let it all out and cried like a baby there on the floor because it felt so unbelievably nice to not have to be the mom who has no idea what to do, or the wife that doesn't fit the mold, or the lazy friend falling out of touch with everyone I know, or the whatever for that short time. I was just me and I was being hugged by something that understood MY needs as a human being. I felt seen, I felt heard, and I felt validated.  I often have moments like this in Savasana now.  Something takes over and I am on the receiving end of loving energy.  I don’t have to do anything but be me and it’s something indescribably beautiful.  I get a very similar feeling when I paint.  

Over the last year or so, I have had some kind of breakthrough in my yoga practice.  After all these years of practicing (that’s right, YEARS,) I feel like I’m actually starting to understand what it is I am doing.  Yoga is not about getting skinny, or being super twisty, or looking younger, or even magic (though, I still believe that yoga IS magical, just not the way I originally wished for it to be.)  It’s just acceptance of yourself.  It’s super simple sounding and yet, it can be the hardest thing in the world for someone like me.  No one achieves total acceptance forever, and if you did, you would miss the point of life.  But you can master small moments and increase those small moments each day.  You can’t control life circumstances, or children, or relationships, or friends, or anything.  But what you can control, or begin attempting to control, is your body and your breath.  And this can be a really overwhelming thing for some people, myself included; it can seem impossible when you have pain or sickness or anxiety, but I promise you that it is not.  Remember, yoga is acceptance, and when you accept yourself just as you are, that’s when you can begin to make the changes you wish to see in your life.  It is my passion as a teacher to share this notion with the world, to show that all the tools you need, you already possess.  I'm absolutely dying to bust some of the myths that keep people from doing yoga, but I'll go into that another time.  Yoga is simply a tool, a tool that taps you into your spirit by harmonizing your body and mind.  For me, it’s easy to picture my body and mind as antennae and the signal we are trying to receive is our soul, or God, or intuition, or the universe, whatever you need to call it.  I believe it is all One.  Yoga teaches me how to tap into that something bigger so that I can answer the ultimate life question: who/what am I?  That may make some people uncomfortable or sound a little out there, and that’s OK. But I believe there is more to my life than my body, my mind, or the things I "do." Yoga helps me recognize it.  When I see myself as more than a body or mind, this is what happens:  I am stress free, I love myself, I feel purpose, I accept my life as it is, and I see that everything is connected.  That doesn’t mean my life circumstances are suddenly perfect, or that I do not wish to change things, but it shows me that change can only come for me when I’m completely present in my life.  Does this knowledge last forever?  Oh no. I must continue to practice.  I must keep adjusting my antennae. 

More frequently, though, from continued practice, I become the mom I want to be because I accept parenting for what it is, and what it IS is extremely challenging, and for me, the ultimate learning experience I can have as a human.  From continued practice, though, I am able to put ego aside and see my children as unique spirits with their own lessons to learn in life and be better prepared to guide them.  From continued practice, I am able to forgive myself when I mess up (which happens quite a lot.)  From continued practice, I am able to step outside my adult relationships and marriage and see that by the traditional sense, I still may not be doing it “right,” however, I am succeeding because I am learning from my mistakes, becoming more forgiving of myself and others, and I am trying to move forward in as kind a way as possible. From continued practice, I am able to recognize my artistic work as something beautiful and purposeful, but also accept that there is always more to learn.  Finally, from continued practice, yes, my body gets healthier, more resilient, more flexible and strong, and I just feel better, physically, which makes me feel better mentally.   

The truth is, I’m not sure how to wrap this up because I really could go on for days discussing the many benefits of yoga.  There is so much more to it than I could ever really address, but I hope to touch base on as much as I can, eventually.  The point I wanted to make in this first post, though, is why I practice yoga.  I do it because yoga helps me understand that my life circumstances are never, ever, ever going to be perfect, but that I, my true self, or spirit, is always perfect just the way I am. My life is just as it should be, it is chocolate pudding.  I can struggle to get out for the rest of my life or adjust my magical antennae in order to flow with it. I just want to flow with the chocolate pudding.  This statement makes total sense to me.  

Thank you.