Romantic love. What in the actual bad word is this subject matter? My friends, be honest with me, how did you know your one was the one? This is something that eludes me at now 40 years old, and yes, I'll be straight up, I’m having a lame day and blogging. Never advisable under a Mercury retrograde, but here we are. It’s true, I am moody today and when I am moody, I seem to want to write about it and express it all over the place. This makes for many of my posts being quite moody, which maybe makes me seem like a big emotional basketcase all the time. This is not true, btw. (Maybe a little true) But I'm actually pretty fun. Anyways, you know I like to keep it real over here, so I am admitting that I feel like kind of a like a big fat failure in love and relationships as of tonight. Right now I am wondering if I’m a deludinoid, holding out for something that maybe doesn’t exist or worse, has maybe past me by. Am I just too picky? Is there such a thing? Because if so, like where do you decide something doesn't matter to you anymore? I am wondering tonight if I just don’t understand commitment or if I'm just completely, completely (double completely) incompatible. Whatever it is, I find myself clueless. So here we have this blog, which I offer as purely a moment of truth in my world. I’ll add, that like all moments, yes, I am aware that this is a transient one.
But today I am lonely, confused, and super duper sick of dating. That's right, super duper. I'll start by saying that I am not a dater and I have never been a dater. I've basically had 3 boyfriends in my entire life, one of which I married for a good portion of it, if that tells you anything. People tell me all the time now that I should "date around!" and “just have fun!” But um…dating is not fun to me. And date who? I am especially introverted this way, and yes I know it will likely be my lonely old demise. But you guys, my energy is just far too precious to me to share over and over on the “maybes” of the world. I have a pretty keen sense of people right away. I have never wasted my energy on a maybe and I don't see why I should now. I’ve never done this with my friendships and I can’t seem to bring myself to do it with relationships. I'm just not one to "maybe" around, you know? I want to know. I want the sparks.
I have learned that dating is not as easy when you get older. Your life is different and busy and not that social and honestly, times have really changed. There is a new-fangled way of dating in your 40s, i.e. online, and it is literally my idea of hell. It exhausts me and it hurts me. Not because of rejection, let me clear here, and I swear I’m not tooting my own horn or anything, but I don’t’ get rejected that often and even when I do, I’m confident enough in me to know that it isn’t about me. No, online dating hurts me because it is so cold and fleeting. It is my hell because it is so superficial and easy to just keep swiping. No one puts any real effort into it, and in my opinion, this is because we all hate it and because of its design, we're always thinking there's got to be something better next up. It makes me feel gross and I feel my essence diminished to know hundreds, maybe even thousands of “someones” are on the other end of this thing sizing me up like a piece of meat. Because, yes, I can confirm, that there are a LOT of unsavory people out there. Going back to the introvert thing, I honestly don’t even like my energy mixing around digitally with the majority of them.
So this is where I am at age 40. I get lonely too. I work in my home. I work mostly with children. I have my own children and my main hobby and passion, art, is isolating by its very nature. My friends are all coupled. Plus, I live in Johnson County Kansas suburbia where as far as they eye can see are happily married couples who are friends with other happily married couples. It’s a weird place to be single and so yes, I feel I have to at least try what is available to me. I also like to believe the Universe uses the avenues we take and so yes, I get myself social and out, but I try other ways too. I will say, I have met some great people, so I know there are at least some great people out there and available. But for me right now, it's just kind of blah. Lately, I am no longer wondering ‘will I ever meet someone?” but rather ‘is there even a someone for me to meet?’ Maybe I’m fortunate in this way, but in truth, what makes me wonder this is that I meet nice guys all the time. Oh yes, they're out there, but for me, it's always just kind of blah. It's nice, but there are no sparks. Are there even sparks after 40? I don't really know. So now I am wondering if one wishes to be in relationship before one is dead, does one literally just pick someone nice and make it so? Like is this what commitment is? Of course, if this is true, then have I already met my someone and just failed? Have I even met my next someone failed again? Is it me? Do I have bad karma? How does this stuff work? And do I ever even get the chance to figure this out?
The idea of lifelong committed partnership is something my heart really desires in this life. I am honest when I say that. But I am 40 now, and I mean, my idea of “lifelong” is like, kind of not too far away! Obviously, I know I am no expert so all there is to do is just keep going and keep trying. I should mention here that of course I do trust the Universe and I know that’s God’s time is not mine and love will roll around when God says its time for me. BUT.... what if God’s time is when I’m like 75? And then what if I’m so happy when I meet my person that I get too excited and die of a heart attack when I’m 75 and a half? What if I live to 100 without ever meeting my person? Because that happens! To me it would be tragic, but there is such a thing as a tragic life! Am I being irrational? Yes, maybe so, but this is my thinking some days. This is my thinking after yet another mediocre date that I knew would be mediocre, but I went anyways, just in case.
Maybe this doesn’t sound like a problem to you, but the other thing is, I never really have bad dates. I’m actually quite charming! My dates usually go pretty well. Yes, that's right, I hate dating that much and I can’t even say my experiences are bad. I am genuinely curious about (almost) every single human being, so yeah, I can make conversation. I'm hilarious most of the time, and so yeah, I can create laughter too. Also, I sincerely care about my fellow humans, so yes, I can absolutely connect. I’m extremely selective in the first place, so even when it is clearly not what I want in relationship, I can still find the gold and make the most of our time. I’ve actually made a few friends! But, my friends, I don’t want anymore friends. I already have like 3 really excellent friends and frankly, I’m at capacity!
Problem is, my dates are just ok. I meet great people with real potential, but there is no spark and that confuses me. Spark exists! That's the thing that haunts me most. I know I have known love in the past. I know that sparks exist and that something unique happens when crossing paths with a special person. There is magic and destiny in that moment in whatever way it comes about. When I met my ex-husband and he shook my hand, I literally felt electricity shoot up through my arm. Sparks! I knew in that instant that he was special, I actually knew that I would marry him, and that we would create a beautiful family, which of course, we did. Did I know it wouldn’t last? Obviously, no. My heart did not pick up on that key piece and I’m glad because how can I possibly have regrets? After my husband and I divorced, I was fortunate to find love again, and this time, once more, I knew this was no ordinary love, either. This love was magical and psychic and mysterious. Instantly, I knew it in the pit of my stomach that this person was destined for me and a soul mate of cosmic proportion. Upon our first meeting, the elements were insane, the sky poured rivers down onto the earth, the wind thrashed through the trees, literally the clouds lit up and lightning shot within feet around us, forcing us to take notice of the moment we were in. I remember it like a movie, almost unreal in its vividness, and yet it was real. Sparks, again, the key ingredient. But…. That relationship, too, did not last. Although it remained quite magical, I just could not figure out how to make it tangible, and I admit, it has confused me for over 2 years to have something like this show up in in my life, to make me a believer in magic and love once more, and yet not have it be something I can make happen for real in my day to day. I feel doomed at times to have had these sparks because now I know they exist. I think had I never known sparks I could be settled down by now, but unfortunately, every first meeting I have with someone is inevitably compared and I wonder ‘will I ever know magic in love this way again?' Am I too old now for romance and sparks? I don't think so, but like there's not a lot of it out there for me at the moment and my mind is beginning to question things. Is it time to approach things differently? Are sparks and compatibility mutually exclusive?
The other thing is, I work at myself. I’m relatively pulled together in my life, yet still very aware of my shortcomings. I’m smart, I’m healthy, I’m funny, I’m confident. I’m mostly happy and God knows I continue to be humbled by some bullshit in real life. What I seek in a partner is depth, authenticity, humor, and emotional availability so I do my best to attract those qualities by being those qualities. I’m likeable and I know that. I love myself, which by the way, I’m sick of people advising me to do. It’s insulting because really, if I didn’t love myself, I would have settled long ago. So yes, I love myself probably more than anyone that has ever offered this advice. I do know what I deserve and I hold out for it as best I can. Meanwhile, I practice gratitude for what I have, that doesn't mean I don't get grouchy and frustrated. My integrity is huge for me and so I want to be clear that I don’t say these things in vanity, I just know what I am. I work with clients and help people as a healer and teacher almost daily. The above qualities are what make me good at doing so and I have found that dating is really sort of like meeting with clients. Connecting with people on deeper levels is easy for me.
But I think this is what makes it confusing for everyone I date. Deep conversation and connection are my strengths and I think people are thirsty for that in a world of snapchat filters. When it comes to dating, I know I’m rare and a catch. There's a lot of superficiality out there, a lot of immaturity. When you cross paths with someone authentic, it stands out and you at least give it a try. So yes, I meet great people, but without the sparks, I find myself frequently confused if someone is cool and engaging, but there is no magic there for me. I just don't think that's a thing. Is it? Too often, I find myself in the position of having to let people down, which sucks because I am an empath. Detachment is really not my strength and so I end up feeling that stuff right back in one way or another. Therefore, I just don’t date that much. People advise me to give chances, go on second dates... to me I'm like, 'but why?' Like can you really start as friends? I ask this in honesty because I have never done this. As I mentioned before, I have enough friends. For me, when it comes to love, what I am looking for are the sparks. Without sparks, I don't know wtf I am doing and why I'm doing it.
Before I go on, let me just add that I’m mostly happy alone. Like, really happy. It's taken me awhile to get here, but I have found purpose in my time. I know when my someone finally rolls his slow evolved ass around, I will be the person I am meant to be, as will he. I think anyone that knows me knows I’m pretty upbeat and optimistic and I definitely make the most of my time on my own. This makes it tricky too because I’m looking for someone who makes being together better than being by myself. A huge task! Alone time is where my creativity kicks in, and this is hugely important to me. The irony is that at my age, I actually like myself better than I ever have. I feel at my best and I'm excited to share that. Days like today, yes, it does get lonely. I don't want to be creative or even be my best on days like this. I just want someone to hold my hand and tell me it will be ok. With age comes the ever clear knowing that life is short and sometimes I just want to know that I'll get to share it at some point with someone that’s more than a friend. (No offense, friends.) They say date yourself when you are single, which I do, (and have a bitchin time btw,) but I don’t know…I am human like everyone else, and though I am quite introverted, I still require connection. To be clear, I don’t sit around desperately longing either (maybe some days….) I mostly just live my life the best I can on my own, following my love, reaching out to friends, still keeping my heart open to finding my someone someday.
But guys, some days? I think what is scariest to me now is the fear of growing old alone and you know what? I’m already kind halfway there. Little getting older things are creeping up on me so I feel like I have to at least put some kind of effort forward in the realm of dating. At this point in my post, maybe you can see how I work myself into a tornado of thoughts. Again, I’ll blame this one on Mercury retrograde. I've also done no yoga today and me of all people knows better than to blog without yoga. In truth, at this point, I can admit that I have no idea what I am doing in relationship and I find myself in a pickle because of the whole potentially growing old and dying alone thing. Do you date? Do you wait? I don’t know. People tell you all the time it happens when you stop looking. This is super false, btw and we should stop perpetuating this lie because everybody is always kiiiinda looking. We’re people! But also, a lot of the time I am literally not looking. Like I mentioned before, and as many of you know, I’m a clueless deludinoid much of the time, quite happy off in my own little world. In fact, friends will point out to me that I am being flirted with or checked out and I’ve completely missed it because I was looking at the shapes in clouds or or pretending I'm in a music video or obsessively reading license plates.
What am I getting at with this post? I really don’t know. I think I’m venting. I really just want answers and the universe seems unwilling to give them at this time. Yes, I do know the cosmos are in a shakeup and we are in the midst of a massive energy shift. Asking questions really is pointless right now. This will make sense to me someday, and more than likely, I’ll even regret this post tomorrow. But today, dating is horrible and crushing my romantic spirit. Today, I would like to move onto the next phase of my life, which is mostly the same except I’m holding hands with someone and knowing I’m not dying alone. By the way, please don’t comment that we all die alone, especially if you are partnered or co-dependent or have never faced real long term alone-ness in your life. I’m a little too sensitive today for it. Alone-ness can be brutal and scary, and sometimes even the most strong among us have a spaz. Today is my spaz and like I do, I just try to share my truth. Yes, I know I'm normally the one telling everyone else to trust the Universe. Deep down, I do, but I'm sorry if you were wanting to read something uplifting. That's just not my game at the moment. However, if you want to comment, maybe just tell me your love stories and restore my hope in such a thing.
PS: Also, don't feel bad for me. I'm resilient af and I flip the light on like a switch. I'll be cool tomorrow. That's the beauty of expressing yourself and letting things go....